


The Gang Meets the FBI

by Icarusflies



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The X-Files
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 11:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11943255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarusflies/pseuds/Icarusflies
Summary: Charlie's new best friend is a liver-eating mutant, and everyone's pretty cool with that. Too bad the FBI has to come and ruin everything.





	The Gang Meets the FBI

11 am  
On a Thursday  
Philadelphia, PA

“Frank, how many times have I told you not to flush random shit down the goddamned toilet?” Dennis said, stomping over to the bar.  
“But Dennis, that’s what toilets are for,” Frank said, wiping remnants of a grilled cheese sandwich off his mouth with the sweater Dee had carelessly left unattended.  
“You know what I mean Frank. If there’s another shoe in there I swear to God, I will wake you up just so you can see me kill you in your sleep.”  
Frank took a second sandwich out of his pocket and took a bite. With his mouth still full he said, “Toilet time isn’t until 2 pm. I haven’t flushed anything yet today.”  
Dennis glowered at him. “Whatever. Charlie can fix the toilet. Charlie!”  
There was no reply.  
“CHARLIE!” Dennis called again.  
“He said he was going to hunt for ghouls in the sewer last night and I haven’t seen him since,” Frank said. “I just assumed he was kidnapped by an Asian gambling ring.”

Mac burst through the door, twirling a pair of nunchuks. “I just got even deadlier, no one is going to mess with Paddy’s now,” he said. At that moment he lost his grip on the nunchucks and they sailed across the room, hitting Dee (who had been napping at one of the tables) straight in the face.  
“GodDAMMIT,” she said, clutching her face. She noticed Frank with her now disgusting sweater. “DAMMIT!”  
“See? Anyone who wants to start trouble won’t stand a chance,” said Mac.  
“Both of you shut up,” said Dennis. “Have you seen Charlie?”  
“I thought we were supposed to shut up,” said Mac, confused.  
“There is Charlie Work to be done, and no Charlie,” said Dennis, ignoring Mac. “And I for one am not doing any Charlie Work.”  
“I haven’t seen him,” said Mac. “He wasn’t around when I went to show him my nunchucks.”  
“You were going to show Charlie your nunchucks before me?” said Dennis.  
“Well…” said Mac.   
“GUYS! GUYS!” said Charlie, running up from the basement. “You’ll never believe what I found!” He was covered in yellow slime.   
“What’s that smell? Have you been eating cheese again?” said Dennis.  
“It’s bile,” said Frank, “I’d recognize that smell anywhere.”  
“Why?” asked Dee.  
“Well this one time…” Frank began, but was cut off by Charlie.  
“GUYS!” Charlie said again.   
“What?” replied the rest of the gang.  
“Come with me right now,” said Charlie, hopping from foot to foot with excitement.  
“Alright, alright,” said Dennis. “Keep your pants on.  
Charlie led them to the basement. Standing there was a somewhat confused looking man. He wore a dogcatcher’s uniform and was covered in bile.   
“This is Eugene! He’s over 100 years old and can stretch through anything,” said Charlie proudly.  
“Eugene? That’s an old man name,” said Dee.  
“I just said he’s 100, you stupid bitch,” said Charlie.  
“He’s not allowed to be 100, no one is allowed to be older or slimier than me,” said Frank.   
“He’s amazing at Nightcrawlers,” said Charlie. “Eugene, tell them a little about yourself.”  
Eugene looked around at the gang with his big yellow eyes. “I’m Eugene. I like animals. And art.” He fell silent.   
“I like MARTIAL arts,” said Mac. He did some moves in the air. No one paid attention to him.   
“Eugene is SO COOL,” said Charlie. “He can stretch, and make slime, and he’s a great listener.”  
“Stretch? What do you mean stretch?” said Dennis.  
“I mean stretch. Eugene, show them,” said Charlie.  
Eugene did nothing.  
“Well maybe he’s shy. But can we keep him? Please? What’s the worst that can happen?”  
“Well, okay,” said Frank. “But he has to pretend he’s younger than me, and he has to stay in the basement. I know trouble, and he’s full of it. We don’t want to attract any unwanted attention.”

The Gang Meets the FBI

“Have you seen Eugene?” said Dee. “I want his opinion on my latest comedy persona.”  
“I’ll save you a trip and tell you it’s bad,” said Dennis.   
“He’s still in the basement then?” said Dee.  
“He and Charlie are in the basement playing with papier mâché,” said Frank.  
“I wish Charlie would stop hogging him,” said Dee.   
“It’s really unfair,” said Dennis.   
“Gene liked my nunchucks,” said Mac.  
“Gene? What the hell is Gene?” said Dennis.  
“Well I thought I’d give Eugene a cool nickname, and since he seems to be some sort of mutant-”  
“You will cease with this ‘Gene’ immediately!” said Dennis, drawing himself up to his full height.   
“Fine, whatever. Eugene still liked my nunchucks,” said Mac.  
“No he didn’t,” said Dennis. “He was impressed with my bartender skills though.”  
“No he wasn’t,” said Dee.  
“Calm down everyone. He dislikes all of your talents equally,” said Frank. “Except for my skill to swallow a whole hot dog, he loved that.”  
There was a knock on the door.  
“FBI open up!” said a man’s voice.  
“The FBI!” said Frank, and ran into the bathroom.   
Mac crept over to the door, his right hand raised in a chopping position. He yanked open the door.  
“FBI. I’m Agent Fox Mulder,” said Mulder.  
“And I’m Agent Dana Scully,” said Scully.  
“We have reason to believe you’re harboring a very dangerous fugitive,” said Mulder, and pulled a wrinkled photograph out of his pocket. “Eugene Victor Tooms is a genetic mutant. He removes and consumes the livers of his victims, after which he goes into hibernation for 30 years. He’s only one away from his quota, and we intend to stop him before he claims his final victim,” said Mulder.  
“Mulder, you can’t really think they’ll believe all this,” said Scully. She gestured at the gang. Their eyes were wide.  
“We’ve got to protect Eugene from these suits,” Frank whispered, now shirtless.  
“He’s killed people,” said Dee, forming a huddle with Frank, Dennis, and Mac.  
“So?” said Dennis.  
“I’m with Dennis,” said Mac. “Eugene is cool. Plus we know him – he would never hurt anyone unless they really had it coming.”  
They turned to the special agents.   
“We haven’t seen any slimy mutants around here,” said Frank.  
“I never said he was slimy,” said Mulder, narrowing his eyes.  
“All mutants are slimy, everyone knows that,” said Frank.   
“We’re going to search the premises,” said Mulder.   
Mac slipped off to the basement.

“Charlie! The FBI is here! They’ve come for Eugene!”  
“What?!” Charlie jumped to his feet, a piece of newspaper stuck to his cheek. “We can’t let them take Eugene! He’s so cool and my best friend!”  
“I thought I was your best friend,” said Mac, sulkily.  
“You’re also my best friend,” said Charlie. “No he’s not,” he whispered to Eugene, who had covered the entire wall with newspaper.  
“I have to ask though, Gene,” said Mac, “Did you kill anyone?”  
“No,” said Eugene, his bright yellow eyes wide.   
“Okay, then that’s settled. How do we hide him from the FBI?” said Mac.  
“I have an idea,” said Charlie. “Mac, show the secret agents your nunchucks. Eugene, let’s go.”  
Mac didn’t have to be told twice.   
He took his weapons and stood in front of the bar. “Fox, Dana, check this out. Can I join the FBI too?” He started twirling his nunchucks and making ‘whoosh’ noises. Charlie peeked in through the top of the basement stairs.  
Mac lost his grip. One of his nunchucks soared through the air and hit Mulder in the face.  
Scully tackled Mac, quickly pinning him to the floor. “You’re under arrest for assaulting a federal officer!” she said.  
Charlie took advantage of the chaos to get Eugene into the bathrooms. He pointed to the air vent “Go hang out in the air shaft near the office,” he said. Eugene nodded, and pulled the grate aside, squeezing his body into the shaft and disappearing.   
Mulder clutched his face. “Scully, let him go. He’s not worth the paperwork,” he said.  
Scully reluctantly let Mac up.   
Charlie entered the main bar area. “Hello there officers, what can I do for you?” said Charlie.  
“You can give up the fugitive we know is in this bar,” said Mulder.  
Charlie laughed unconvincingly. “There aren’t any fugitives in this bar, where would you possibly get that idea?”  
Mulder pulled the strip of newspaper from his face. “And what’s this?”  
“Newspaper, more specifically the New York Times if I’m not mistaken,” said Charlie.  
“There’s plaster of Paris on here,” said Mulder, examining the newspaper.  
“I was making a mascot for the bar,” said Charlie.  
“Oh? What’s the mascot,” said Mulder.  
“Er…uh…Paddy the…” said Charlie.  
Dee gagged. Everyone turned to look at her.  
“Are you alright? I’m a medical doctor,” said Scully.   
Dee looked at Mulder and gagged again.   
“Did a horrible freak of nature just steal your liver?” asked Mulder.  
“I’m…fine,” said Dee, gagging.   
Charlie slipped off to the office. 

The air vent loomed large, and Charlie could see Eugene’s glowing eyes in the shadows. He picked up a picture of a German Sheppard that absolutely oozed malice and hung it over the vent, hiding it. Then he returned to where Frank was trying to sell Paddy’s merchandise to the agents.  
“When you get hungry in the field, nothing can top one of our special Paddy’s eggs,” said Frank, holding an egg in his sweaty fist.   
Mulder elbowed Scully. “Maybe you should buy one. It sure tops non-fat Tofutti dreamsicles.”  
Scully looked put-upon.   
“I make the eggs myself,” said Dee, getting very close to Mulder.  
“No you don’t! Charlie and I make them over the radiator,” said Frank.  
Dee gagged.  
“Tooms obviously isn’t in this room, let’s check the others,” said Mulder, and walked over to the bathroom. Charlie anxiously followed.   
There was a puddle of something yellow and slimy on the floor. Mulder stuck his finger into it. The entire gang cringed. “Bile. I knew it,” he said.   
“That’s not bile,” said Frank.  
“Nope, not at all,” said Mac  
Dennis shook his head slowly.  
Dee gagged, for different reasons than earlier.  
Mulder slowly shook the gunk off his fingers. To his credit, he did not betray his cool exterior. He stood up and moved to look into the air vent.   
“No!” Charlie yelled.   
Mulder stopped and looked at him. “What?” he said. “Are you hiding something?”  
“No, it’s just…I think I saw something in the basement!” said Charlie.  
“I’ll look in the basement next,” said Mulder, and peered into the air vent.  
It was empty.  
“Hm,” said Mulder.   
“Where’d he go?” said Charlie.  
“Where’d who go?” said Mulder.  
“Uh…Dennis,” said Charlie.   
“He’s getting a beer,” said Mac.   
Mulder made his way to the basement.   
Charlie came down with him, while the rest of the gang stayed with Scully.  
“So you’re a medical doctor?” said Frank.  
“Yes,” said Scully.   
Frank took off his shoe. “I have this weird thing on my foot,” he said, shoving his foot at her.  
Scully just looked at him, annoyed.  
In the basement, Mulder was having trouble. He was swaying, holding a hand to his head.  
Charlie was holding his breath.   
“What’s this,” Mulder said, pointing his flashlight at Eugene’s nest.  
“Nothing, I think you’re hallucinating,” said Charlie.  
Mulder collapsed. Charlie quickly unclogged the vents, and then dragged Mulder upstairs.   
“Your partner passed out in the basement. You might want to take him to a hospital,” said Charlie.   
Scully checked him over. “These are the signs of carbon monoxide poisoning!” she said.  
“That can’t be! We got a clean health inspection last week,” said Charlie.   
Out of the corner of his eye, Charlie saw Eugene walk out of the office and into the basement. He was covered in blood. Scully and the others did not notice.  
Mulder woke up slowly. “Did we catch the mutant?” he said.  
“No, there’s no mutant here. You’re going to the hospital,” said Scully. She supported him as best she could, and took him out the door.  
The gang waited for a minute or so.  
“We did it! They didn’t find Gene!” said Mac.  
“Don’t call him that,” said Dennis.  
“Where IS Eugene?” said Frank. “And do you think he’ll want this egg?”  
“He’s in the basement,” said Charlie.  
They all descended to the now monoxide-free zone.  
Eugene was curled up in the middle of a newspaper nest, sleeping soundly.  
“Aww,” said Frank.  
“He’s taking a power nap,” said Mac.  
“Let’s let him sleep,” said Charlie.   
They went back upstairs.  
“Help me!” came a weak cry from the alley.  
Rickety Cricket was lying on the pavement, bleeding profusely.  
“He took my liver,” said Cricket. “I needed that to process alcohol.”  
The gang all laughed, and went back inside.  
“I want a beer, who wants a beer?” said Dennis.  
“Me,” said Dee.  
“Me too,” said Mac.  
“I want a beer and a grilled cheese sandwich,” said Frank. “I think I still have one in my pocket.”  
He did.


End file.
